Find yourself

The thought of losing the person I have devoted the past almost 9 months to. I gave him everything. Loving someone is giving them the power to break you, trusting they won’t. Does he realize how much I truly care about him? Does this break bother him anymore? Does he care about me anymore? From how I take it he acts like he doesn’t I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m numb. All I can feel is pain. Everything feels fake nothing feels right. I honestly have been praying non stop, praying that I will be able to see him Saturday because I’m dying to see him to be with him to have him hold me while I fall apart hoping he holds me together. I’m scared I’m gonna do something so stupid and so irreversible soon I feel like I need to be in a hospital I just want this pain to go away.

I wish I can show him how sorry I am for who I have become lately. It’s not who I am I’m a happy person I just don’t know what happened. I feel so bad. I want to show him how much I love him but it’s impossible to sum up the feelings and words I have to explain that. I barely can. I just want him to ask me to be his again..it’ll help me feel less insecure about this whole ordeal. But I know thats not what he wants. What does he even want? He’s been so vague about what he is feeling and going through I wish I knew exactly what he is feeling and sometimes I feel like I do. I can relate to him. He’s been really supportive lately and I don’t know why. Has he had a change in perspective? Did I help by being so real to him? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just wish I knew answers but these are the questions a person asks in their life that cannot be answered. Sadly.